elfy

So, I was at the presentations this morning, at the KISD. It was very interesting, even met a girl I know from school, who studies there since a year. And talked to a Prof, who gave me a yearbook to read some informations about the school. That was really cool, I mean, he doesn't know me and just lends me this book. I think he will be at the interview next week also, because after he asked what my name is he said, 'Then, until next week'.

Yeah, yeah, I have to admit it. The more I find out, the more I want to study there. Actually, by now I am getting kinda nervous, if I will make it into the school or not. It would be really cool, I think. And Antje, the girl I met, works 20 hours a week besides studying, so hopefully I'll manage my 15 to 20 hours, too. But... first they have to take me. The annoying thing is, after the interview I'll be in holiday and won't know wether they take me or not until I am back. I hope the holiday will be relaxing anyway ^^.

Yeah, yeah, laugh at me for being so unstable in my desicions :-P

Made myself some new icons, too. Well, two and the third one was made by takenaga and I was eyeing it since nearly a year now. But it was time for new icons. And I want to make some more... still need a sleepy / sleeping one, for example. Does anyone know if it is possible to replace old icons with new? As in, as long as I use the same keyword they are staying connected to the entry they were used in before?

Yesterday Moni celebrated her birthday and I went there instead of going to the Kitkat (there's another party next month, a 25th birthday isn't a second time). It was a nice party at her parents house who stayed in her flat for this night. Zorn picked Marcel and me up, because it was somewhat outside Cologne. Barbara showed up as well, that was very nice, so we had some time to talk and cuddle. Tanja made uber-cute muffins under which money for Moni was hidden. She wants to make a big travel next year and asked for money as a present, because she is saving up. Because 10 people from the medival dance training where there also, we even danced a bit and teached the Indian Queen to those interested.
Marcel went home with Zorn after Werners little firedancer show. I talked very much with a girl also called Barbara this evening, she studies biology in Mainz. I liked her quite much, but somehow we didn't exchange numbers or email or so.

I think I am finally giving up on the studying idea. It's probably not meant to be. I am probably not made for studying. I love going to school, as strange as that sounds. Probably because I don't like to take responsibility (yes, I know that, yes, it's not the best thing, but some like it, some don't). I also think design is probably too... competitive. I don't feel like I have enough self esteem to present something I made in front of 300 other students and a prof and this not once, but several times. On the other hand I would still like to try to get into some art school (art, not design). But that would be something I'd do for me and not for job-purposes. Strange, maybe. But then, I feel like (or, I hope), there is a hint of potential in me, for that. But I am not uber-happy with my job as a mediadesigner, thats nothing new.
Oh well. Anyway I will get something done for the kisd and maybe for other schools as well. But I don't want to force it anymore. I just don't want to stress myself with that anymore. Call it right, call it wrong, call it fleeing, call it giving up, I don't know. It's true I still don't know what I really want. But a way that makes me feeling bad mostly can't be the right one, in my eyes.
Who knows, maybe I will start studying psychology or biology or something like that, which are subjects that interest me to no end, maybe I will find a rich man, bear 5 children and never work again, maybe my life will go on like now and I'll never find peace. I just know, I need some order, I need some securtiy and I need love. I just have to make some desicions, some of them are waiting way too long now.

I have a fortune-cookie message hanging on my pinboard. It says 'Success will come your way in june'. I kept it to see if for once it is right *giggle*.

I admire dunkelhaven for his interest in politics and literature, I am always facinated by what he reads. I shoudl read more, too. But I should many things. I am always happy when I manage to do some of these shoulds, unfortunatly from the outside it doesn't look like much effort often. Or it wouldn't be much effort for others. I don't know. I sometimes get the feeling that things I accomplish aren't as hard / don't need as much overcoming for others, as they do for me. I think too much, I don't decide enough, I want too many things at the same time... I know it. And I can just hope I am on the right way to overcome some of these things. I try to, really :)

I can't wait for the WGT and I can't wait for the holidays with Barbara in north italy.

I have the feeling as if I am writing constantly about the same things, regrding my 'inner life'... hmmm.